Relationship Status

I'm not even sure what I'm feeling, and that's actually terrifying.  My mind is racing a mile a minute and it feels as if I'm thinking about way too many things to count.  Guilt, hope, pain and interest are all intermingled into one intense, confusing emotion.  It's quite aggravating, to tell you the truth.

 

See, I like talking to people.  I like getting to know people, to learn from them, develop connections. This world is too big and our days too numbered to be satisfied with only the people in our small little corner of the world.  Much as I do with reading, I like to broaden my horizons by experiencing different people and ultimately learning more about myself in the process.  I think it actually makes me a better person because of it. 

 

Trouble is, sometimes circumstances complicate things enough that the end line gets lost in the details.  Excuse me for saying so, but so what if I'm married?  Does that suddenly mean that I'm no longer a person?  Am I not allowed to have an intelligent conversation or even an entertaining one without having to feel guilty that I'm speaking with people outside my little circle?

 

It's not even just recently, either.  For the last few years, I've heard more and more that "I'm married."  Like that's a blinking red sign saying "Stay Away."  For someone as social and interested in new things as I am, that's actually just depressing.  Why should I not be allowed to meet new people and make new friends?  It just so happens that I've ALWAYS gotten along better with males.  It means nothing more than a simple fact, but I'm sick of it defining me in ways I never thought it should. 

 

God, I sound like I'm whining.  I even feel like it.  But I guess maybe I just needed to spout my venting to more than just my own mind.  Probably not the best place to do so, but at this point, I'm not even sure I care.  Really, I'm just sick of feeling like my relationship status makes me less.  It's ridiculous. 

 

Normally, I don't air my dirty laundry.  This is not an attack on any one person (or an attack at all), it does not state anything about my husband.  It's just a frustration that I had to voice before I explode. 

 

To put it bluntly, the fact that I don't seem to get the credit for being a woman in and of herself outside my marriage pisses me off.  I am not defined or hampered by a relationship.  I'm still me. I'm still a person worth knowing, damn it.  Things change.  Sometimes quickly.  That one fact won't.