Do you ever find yourself desperate to do something else? Anything else? I'm sitting at work, bored out of my mind, running through the gigantic list of everything else I have to do. I have work to do, I just really do not want to do it. Why is it that I can't work from home and then have the work be what I actually want to do? Is that asking too much?
Maybe it is. Maybe we just have to work and work and work or maybe that's just America.
What happened to actually enjoying life? What happened to having the time to look around you and truly see the world instead of watching it pass you by? We try so hard to get through the work week, can't wait until Friday, but what we don't always realize is that's another five days of your life that you can't get back.
Did you live it the way you wanted to? Did you do the things you wanted to? Did you even appreciate being alive, having a roof over your head, clothes on your back, and food in your belly? I know I don't. I get up, hating the moment when I have to roll out of bed, praying that my daughter stays asleep just fifteen minutes longer so I can get ready for work without chasing her around to keep her out of trouble.
Then I barely get any time with her and I'm wishing the morning could be longer. Before I know it I'm dropping her off with somebody else for the day and by the time I get her in the evening she's tired and cranky, so am I, and I get maybe two hours with her before she goes to bed, most of which is occupied by cooking, eating and bathing. If we're lucky, we get in a good game of chase, maybe sing the ABC's a few times, read a couple books and play hide and seek. If we're lucky. She goes down, my husband and I clean up, shower and he goes to bed. I write, but by then it's nearly nine o'clock and I have to leave by 7:30 the next morning. This is my life Monday through Friday. Five days a week.
Where in there do we even have time to really do the things we love? If I had it my way, I would work from home, raise my own child, and really get to spend time with her.
I wouldn't be so tired that all I want to do is relax and have quiet time when my husband wants to spent time with me.
I would have dinner done at a reasonable time so we wouldn't have to spend the entire evening going, going, going. We could go do things, see things, learn things. Instead, it's a never ending schedule with a two day weekend that is never long enough.
One day I will have the life I want. Because I refuse to be on my death bed wondering what happened to the time that was my life.
One of the biggest regrets of my life is the way I treated one particular person. A confidant, a lover. A friend. See, there was this boy. There's always a boy. And we were friends for years before we somehow ended up dating. And because of that friendship, I trusted him with almost all of my secrets and I like to think he did the same with me. I could talk to him about anything. Everything. And I relied on him in a time where I couldn't do anything else. I wasn't in love with him, but I loved him dearly on just about every level.
Yet, it wasnt' enough. I freaked out because I was pretty sure he was more serious about me than I was about him. I was scared and so not ready for anything more than what we had. I started making excuses, dodging calls, and then I cut him off completely in a time where he really could have used a friend. I abandoned him. It was one of the worst mistakes I ever made.
Here I was with this amazing person who cared about me in so many ways and I was pushing him out of my life because I was too much of a coward to tell him the truth. Which, because of other events in my life, also makes me a hypocrite. Wonderful.
Anyway, when I finally got the nerve to talk to him again, he was so hurt and so angry I thought he would never forgive me. But he did. Because he's so much better than I am. Then he went off to war. I will never forget when he told me he was shipping out. I thought I was scared of a relationship and then suddenly I was fearing for his life. I cried so hard. When I got his first letter when he was in training I cried again. My heart bled for him. But I didn't write back. I tried. I started letters and threw them away. I wrote letters and never sent them. Over the years, I've gotten his address, written letters and never sent them. I just couldn't get the words out. I never knew what to say to make anything better. Which, of course, is no excuse. I turned my back on him again.Because I was scared. I've written emails, but no response. Now he's blocked me on Facebook.
And who can blame him? I'm a horrible person where he's concerned. But just in case he ever reads this...
I am so sorry for everything. I'm a terrible person where you're concernced and a poor excuse for a friend. I should have been there for you like you always were for me. I thought about you every day. Still think about you every day. I hope you're safe. I hope you're happy. You are one of the best people I know and I will always regret that I didn't tell you that every chance I got. That I didn't treat you the way I should have. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I wasn't a stronger person. You deserved so much better than I gave and for that I will never again be worthy of your friendship. I hope one day you'll find it in your heart to forgive me, but even if you can't, I wish you nothing but the best. You deserve everything you want out of life.
Love Always,
Chelsea
A coworker mentioned something about the movie, Avatar,
the other day that got me thinking. She said that it was basically a rip off of Fern Gully.
Girl is daughter of the chief, Boy is coming to destroy everything they love as part of a bigger company, Boy is immersed in Girl's world, tries to save it, Boy and Girl fall in love and fight together to save what they believe in. The end. And, I guess, in a nut shell she would be right. But so what? Isn't that plot line a bit generic anyway? There are so many movies where that's true, so many books, even stories in history, so would Fern Gully be a rip off of Pocahontas?
Which, I might add, is a true story.
When I watched Avatar, the basic plot isn't what struck me. What I noticed, what I was moved by, was the innate ability of a people to rise up against a common enemy, to risk their very nature, their homes, their lives for a cause that would seem too great, even hopeless, for one person alone.
I've been struck by revolution lately. Be it in a book, a movie, everyday life, it does't matter. The thought of sitting idly by thinking nothing can be done while things that are wrong keep happening repulses me. You can't change anything by wishing it away. Action must be taken.
There are so many examples of the few overcoming the many. The weak triumphing over the strong because what the weak have that their adversary lacks is heart.
So what about the revolutions in the small things? What about taking control of your every day life instead of just thinking that some day it will get better? Making the necessary changes to accomplish your duties, your goals? Your dreams. Why shouldn't we do what needs to be done? Take risks, walk away from ugly words and hurtful people. From those who think your dreams are too big, not practical. Are unlikely to become a reality. Change your life. Because in the end, the one truth is that life is too short to be anything but happy.
