Limits

 

Re-evaluating what you once thought about people is not an easy task.  Words, even if spoken, are not always enough to convey the true thoughts one person has toward another.  Actions fill in the gaps, and sometimes the portrait is just not pretty.

 

How many times do you let someone disappoint you?  How many times do you decide to let it go as a part of the relationship or friendship that you just accept?  When do you decide you're worth more than you're getting?  And when do you decide you need to give more?  Either way, when is enough, enough?  Finding that answer is never easy.  And if it is, you probably didn't care as much as you thought, after all, and you're both better off.  

 

Then comes the decision.  And the follow-through.  Do you keep trying or do you let them go?  Is it worth working for if you know your own heart could be the price?  And when is it worth the risk? 

 

This is one of those puzzles that has always haunted me.  How do you know?  The easy answer I've heard the most in reference to these types of situations is, "trust yourself."  Trust.  Okay, sure.  I can trust.  But which part of me do I trust?  The part that's saying just hang in there a little longer, it's worth it?  Or the part that's telling me I deserve better?  The part that keeps whispering in my ear every single time to not answer that message.  Don't respond to that text.  Just politely remove yourself from that situation because you deserve to be treated as more than an after thought, an option, or just a convenience? 

 

A long time ago, someone taught me that I should never have to settle for feeling that way.  Not even if it was them that did it.  I try to remember that when these thoughts come up, but I know that once I make a decision, I have to live with it.  And I may not always like what that means. 

 

One thing I do know for certain is that, despite how it may seem at times, I am actually an incredibly understanding person.  I give chance after chance for a person to show that they actually give a damn.  And I can be extremely forgiving when they fall short.  I try to see the best in people, to find that redeeming quality that makes it a little easier to let go of past indiscretions and keep moving forward.  We're all human.  We all make mistakes.  I, myself, have made some real doozies.  So I try to keep that in mind when dealing with the people in my life and, for the most part, I haven't regretted those decisions. 

 

But even I have my limits.  There are just some people that I'm not invested in enough or that I'm invested in too much that I maybe need to reconsider.  Taking myself out of the equation wouldn't be out of the question, even though I know in certain cases it would be like ripping out my own heart to do so. 

 

The one thing I've always known about me and the decisions I make, especially when the evaluation was conflicted, is that while I give a plethora of chances, once I'm done, I'm done.  (Fair warning. ;)  )

Lean On Me

"Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at."

---David Gerrold                 

Everyone has flaws.  I myself have many.  I like it that way.   It keeps me humble and makes me unique.  I'm a difficult person and I know it.  But I'm not all bad, either.  The thing is, I own my flaws.  I'm a klutz.  The only time I ever have balance is when I'm dancing, which has never made any sense to me whatsoever. I can pretty much do nothing even remotely athletic, but I've taken on the mentality that somebody has to be bad at these types of things.  Why not me?  I'm stubborn, but I know when to yield.  I say things I shouldn't and have a tendency to kick myself after because I know better.  I have strong opinions, but I enjoy seeing the other side.  I may seem cold at times, but I can love fiercely.  Once a decision is made, I am incredibly firm, but it takes me a lot to get there. I know I'm guarded, but once I open up, you won't be disappointed.  Or maybe you will.  Because I'm also one of those people that you either love or hate.  There really is no in between.  

But you know what?  I'm okay with that.  I know what I can do, who I am.  I know my limits. And I want to push them.  In every possible way.  I want to see just how much I'm made of.  But I also know that I won't be able to do it alone.  Learning doesn't happen by yourself.  Neither does strength.  We all need someone there to help hold us up when we're weak.  To remind us of our possibilities when our worlds come crashing down and we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And that's okay.  It's okay to lean every once in a while.  To ask for help.  Just remember that you also need to help yourself, because one day, those people may just ask you.

 

Talking Without Interruption

Jules Renard seems to be a man after my own heart.  One of his most famous quotes is: "Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted."  

I believe this to be true.  In life, there are so many times where people (myself included) don't actually listen, but instead are just waiting for their turn to talk.  When you write, you don't have that problem.  You can take a thought and let it flow, staring in wonder as your fingers physically produce words that your mind creates down paths you never imagined they would go.  

One of the most fun things for me is to meet someone new or be introduced to an unknown subject and let myself explore the unexplored horizons of new knowledge.  I love to learn.  I love to see things from different angles, decide how I feel about it and then express myself in the only way that I know how.  It lets me discover what I'm made of, who I've been, who I'd like to be and ultimately, where I want to go.  

Each unknown avenue is one more opportunity for another facet of my soul to fall into place. 

Which leads me to my favorite quote by Jules Renard: 

"As I grow to understand life less and less, I learn to love it more and more."

To Vote or Not To Vote

I really hate this way of thinking, and actually, my friend and I were just discussing it on Thursday. Voting DOES change things. That's why we do it. And for every one person who thinks their vote doesn't matter, there are thousands more like him. If no one voted, nothing would get done and our democracy would cease to exist. 

My feeling? If you don't vote, you don't get to complain. You don't like how the government is run but didn't bother to put in your two cents to change it? Sounds like a personal problem to me. If people like this put in the time and energy they use complaining about their lack of input in the government into actually voting, maybe I'd give a damn when they open their mouths. But then, that's just me. 

(And this is one of my buttons. Can you tell?)

A Room of One's Own

Saturday's book to read is A Room of One's Own by Virginia Woolf. 

When the book-length essay A Room of One's Own was published in 1929, it met head-on with controversy.  It's an important essay for writers to read because it makes such a compelling argument for a complete change in worldview. 

Woolf believed in a "materialistic approach," suggesting that if women had the same advantages as men, including access to education, they would be on equal footing.  In A Room of One's Own, Woolf said, "A woman must have money and a room of her own," in order to write fiction.  Woolf recommended that the room have a lock and that 500 pounds be provided ($40,000 in today's American dollars). Woolf came from a literary  family and took degree-level course at King's College in London.  While at King's College, she met some of the reformers of women's education---encounter that helped to shape this famous essay. 

When viewed through today's cultural lens, the book still conveys a profound message that bears revisiting: women are just as capable as men at creating meaningful art.

"Women, then, have not had a dog's chance

of writing poetry.  That is why I have laid so much

stress on money and a room of one's one."

 

 

(Taken straight from The Writer's Devotional by Amy Peters.)

He said, She said.

"James Blish told me I had the worst case

of "said bookism" (that is, using every word

except said to indicate dialogue). He told me

to limit the verbs to said, replied, asked and answered

and only when absolutely necessary."

---Anne McCaffrey

 

According to my Thursday devotional (again, a little behind this week), describing how a person is saying something too often can be distracting.  As a reader, I have to agree.  I much prefer dialogue that goes from one person speaking to the next without descriptive paragraphs interrupting the flow too often.  I'll have to keep that in mind for my own writing. 

Divergent

My assignment for last Wednesday, (which I'm slacking on) was to review a recently released movie.  I postponed this post because I was going to go see this movie...on Thursday.

And it was a good thing I did, too. 

Typically, I will tear a book-to-movie adaptation to shreds, especially if it's one that I really liked.  To be perfectly honest, if I have any complaints about the movie adaptation of Divergent, they are fairly minor.

Peter wasn't enough of a villain (and I was really looking forward to seeing Miles Teller as a badass).  The initiates looked soft to me, whereas in the book they all seemed to harden up upon arrival.  And they missed the scene with Tris and Four at the bottom of the chasm.

Other than that (excluding the typical changes for putting 400+ pages on screen) I thought the movie was pretty darn impressive.  FINALLY a director listened to the fans and stuck with the book ON THE FIRST INSTALLMENT.  (Even The Hunger Games had issues with the first one, though Catching Fire was pretty spot on.)  Well done, Neil Burger. 

If you've read Divergent by Veronica Roth---or even if you haven't---the movie is a must see.  Shailene Woodley and Theo James as Tris and Four do not disappoint. I plan to see it again. :)