Burned Bridges

One of the biggest regrets of my life is the way I treated one particular person.  A confidant, a lover.  A friend. See, there was this boy.  There's always a boy.  And we were friends for years before we somehow ended up dating.  And because of that friendship, I trusted him with almost all of my secrets and I like to think he did the same with me.  I could talk to him about anything.  Everything.  And I relied on him in a time where I couldn't do anything else.  I wasn't in love with him, but I loved him dearly on just about every level. 

Yet, it wasnt' enough.  I freaked out because I was pretty sure he was more serious about me than I was about him.  I was scared and so not ready for anything more than what we had.  I started making excuses, dodging calls, and then I cut him off completely in a time where he really could have used a friend.  I abandoned him.  It was one of the worst mistakes I ever made.

Here I was with this amazing person who cared about me in so many ways and I was pushing him out of my life because I was too much of a coward to tell him the truth.  Which, because of other events in my life, also makes me a hypocrite.  Wonderful.

Anyway, when I finally got the nerve to talk to him again, he was so hurt and so angry I thought he would never forgive me.  But he did.  Because he's so much better than I am.  Then he went off to war.  I will never forget when he told me he was shipping out.  I thought I was scared of a relationship and then suddenly I was fearing for his life.  I cried so hard.  When I got his first letter when he was in training I cried again.  My heart bled for him.  But I didn't write back.  I tried.  I started letters and threw them away.  I wrote letters and never sent them.  Over the years, I've gotten his address, written letters and never sent them.  I just couldn't get the words out.  I never knew what to say to make anything better.  Which, of course, is no excuse.  I turned my back on him again.Because I was scared.  I've written emails, but no response.  Now he's blocked me on Facebook.

And who can blame him?  I'm a horrible person where he's concerned.  But just in case he ever reads this...

I am so sorry for everything.  I'm a terrible person where you're concernced and a poor excuse for a friend.  I should have been there for you like you always were for me.  I thought about you every day.  Still think about you every day.  I hope you're safe.  I hope you're happy.  You are one of the best people I know and I will always regret that I didn't tell you that every chance I got.  That I didn't treat you the way I should have.  I'm sorry I hurt you.  I'm sorry I wasn't a stronger person.  You deserved so much better than I gave and for that I will never again be worthy of your friendship.  I hope one day you'll find it in your heart to forgive me, but even if you can't, I wish you nothing but the best.  You deserve everything you want out of life. 

Love Always,

Chelsea